Monday, January 30, 2012

letting go...

I've been having that feeling. You know, the one that life is way too short.
Maybe it's because of Hudson, and how much is growing up right before my eyes, and I feel like although I take 2039582039582 pictures a day, I'm missing out on the little things.
That feeling that life is way too short to be fussing, worrying, being bothered, and getting my panties all wadded up. The feeling that time is being wasted by something so little [to some], but yet SO big [to me.]

I struggle with anxiety. On a daily basis.

Ever since I can remember I would get super anxious about upcoming events, weeks ahead of time, that to some people wouldn't even phase them. Going to work, picking someone up, a date, going to church, a family vacation, a test, even going to the grocery store. Some of this anxiety came from my self esteem not being top notch [heaven forbid I had to ask a question to a stranger or have to say excuse me.]
but lately I've noticed that its not just about the actual event, but it has to do with "time".
If you know me, and know me well, you will know that I am never late.
What an awesome quality trait right?! HA wrong!
I've been a huge stickler for time ever since I was little...
Let me just pull you up to speed, and try to fill you in on the severity of this lovely characteristic.
  • If we were ever late to church as a family growing up, I wouldn't even walk in the chapel to sit down, I would wait out in the foyer, until the service was done.
  • I was never late for school [I would occasionally sleep in, but that was on purpose!] and when it came to college- I would plan my classes far enough apart that I would be able to be early to every single one of them- even if I took the long way around campus.
  • I would never ask questions in class in fear that I'd be wasting someone elses time if they already understood the problem.
  • I know exactly how long it takes me to get ready in the morning.
  • I have always picked out my clothes a few days in advance, hang them together in the closet-in order, just so I knew that picking out my clothes wouldn't be an issue in the mornings before work or school. [loved the days when scrubs were a requirement!]
  • I will always leave at least 10-15min before I actually have to leave, get to the location, and wait in my car, until I'm actually supposed to be there, just so I know that I will be on time. That's with anything...airport pick ups, dinner dates, play dates, doctors appointments, etc... You'll hear me joke about our GPS saving my marriage when we moved to Colorado, but did!
  • If we are leaving early in the morning for a trip, I usually don't sleep the night before, in fear that I would wake up late [even with 29834529835 alarms set.] So I will get ready [shower,make-up,hair] all through out the night to stay awake, and then I will sleep in the car or on the plane.
  • When I had my OBGYN appointments, and the regular nurse was off for the day, my heart rate would sky rocket...which lead to being monitored in the hospital for hours afterward.When it comes to other people being late, I will pace back and forth, or not be able to sit still. It mostly happens at church when a speaker goes over their time, or we get out late of 3rd hour. When a flight was supposed to take off at a certain time, yet we are still on the plane, just waiting.Waiting for a doctors appointment, and they are running behind [isn't that inevitable?] When people put a time on it - "be there in 5 minutes"- and it's 20min later when they actually arrive!!! oh the endless possibilities...
Do I need to continue?!
Not so much of a good thing anymore right?!
    I over think....pretty much everything. I need to get this "pretty little picture" out of my head of how everything is supposed to be because all of this is obviously causing some stress in my daily life. [I'm a little stressed just reading over this post!] I've always thought I was a "go by the seat of your pants" "take it as it comes" kind of girl, but lately I have proved myself very, very wrong.
    Easy enough right?!
    Until recently, I haven't acknowledged any of this...I actually thought it was normal.
    I think this is why I feel like I'm missing out on so many of the little things. I was looking through pictures last night of when Hudson was a newborn, and just started to cry. How dare I take that time, worrying and stressing, away from my precious little family- who could really care less if I'm 3 minutes late. I think there is a fine line between being puntcual and being border line cRaZy! I just obviously can't find the middle ground after 23 years of life!
     So either I get a hold of all of this with some help [I finally made an appt with my doctor...I'm thinking some serious medication or something], or I need to...
and I need to learn this quickly before it gets even more out of control!
I know this is a horribly long post, but some things just needed to be written out...finally.
All a part of letting things go.


  1. I have a few of these not being late issues too, Elise! And there's certainly nothing wrong with that. One piece of advice though... don't always try for a "quick-fix" with medication. Maybe a good (female!) therapist or counselor would be more helpful. I always try to find other avenues than medication, and this is one area that talking about things helps more. I was struggling with depression (cause there are times when I feel Bipolar!!) and my Dr. told me I'd be better off talking about it than popping pills - and he was right :0) So, just food for thought. My kids always HATE being the first ones to show up for Mutual!!!! (even before the leaders, and I'm only getting there 5 mins early - what pathetic leaders!!!!!)

  2. Oh Elise, I LOVE YOU! I wish I had half of your punctuality. I am always late and I HATE IT. I really need to make a change. But just learn to let the litle things go. Blow it in a bubble, and let it float away. I actually do this with hand motions and everything and it really works. I love you!


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